The Hermit Brotherhood - An Antidote to the Decline in Friendships

Mr. Brendan Towell | Associate Director of Admissions

As an admissions officer at an elite all-boys Catholic high school, I am acutely aware of the importance a values-based education can have on young men in the process of discovering who God is calling them to be. Sure, every school seeks to have top academic and athletic programs - everyone shoots for these. However, what separates St. Augustine Preparatory School from other institutions is our focus on community and friendship. At the Pep, there is a place at the table for everyone and Jesus’ invitation to friendship is lived and taught through the lens of the school’s patron, St. Augustine of Hippo. We believe, as Augustine once said, “that without a friend, nothing in the world seems friendly” and therefore love is the basis for all we do. This realization, that a quality education today has to be more inclusive of the development of the whole person, is exactly what young men need in order to succeed. Failure to understand this will result in school curriculums and cultures that fail to effectively engage and educate young men in need of community, friendship, and love. 

Several recent studies and articles put forward by the Survey Center on American Life including, “The state of American friendship: Change, challenges, and loss” (June 2021), “Men’s social circles are shrinking” (June 2021), and “American men suffer a friendship recession” (July 2021) caused me to pause and reflect on the nature of my vocation as an Augustinian Catholic educator. These studies clearly show that Americans overall are reporting a decline in “close friendships” (i.e. those non-family members you can call upon in times of personal crisis for support). In fact, the data reports that since 1990, there has been a fivefold increase in the number of Americans who report that have no close friendships (3% to 15%). Furthermore, the statistics pertaining to young men are particularly disconcerting. More than anytime in American history, young men are relying on parents to fill the void of emotional and personal support that was once satisfied by friendship. This is clearly evident when sons return home from college and take over the family basement. Young men coming home to visit their parents or staying in regular touch with them is one thing, but 52% of young men post-college currently living with their parents - that is quite another! 

Wild horses couldn't have brought me back home after college. Looking back I can see that my independence and confidence was largely due to the quality friendships I forged in high school and in college. However, I now see that my experience was not universal. Roughly 28% of men under thirty report that they don’t have any close social connections. This was defined in the research as “someone you talked to with the past six months about an important personal matter.” Couple this with lower marriage rates (and when they do occur the couples now average in their 30’s), more geographic mobility, and lower religious involvement and you find far too many young men reporting feelings of loneliness and depression. This is higher in unmarried men for obvious reasons with one in five unmarried men reporting they have no close friendships in their life. 

However, all is not lost. Workplace-related friendships are holding steady and, most significantly, 47% of young men report that friendships they do have were formed at school (ones they attend currently or previously). Additionally, one in five report that their close friends participated in their local church or community of worship. What does this tell us? It tells us that as a world of digital friendships becomes the norm, there is no substitute for an in-person education where faith and common values can be freely shared and expressed. In a recent video put out by Bishop Robert Barron, he speculates that the decline in friendships amongst young men today is partly due to the culture being increasingly hostile to the idea of objective values. Today, anything can be right or wrong - it is up to the individual. Traditionally, that view has not held such sway. In the Catholic tradition, objective moral values do indeed exist and, when they do, they allow men to rally behind them, defend them, and share them. According to the bishop, men bond not so much over the sharing of emotional sentiments or feelings, but through a sense of common cause and purpose. This also requires motivation and encouragement - something that good friends can do for men in ways parents cannot. 

At St. Augustine Prep we have gathered nearly 700 young men together in common cause of bettering themselves through academic excellence, athletic success, artistic expression, character development, and faith formation. Away from the distractions other learning environments present, the Prep is uniquely equipped to educate the young men of Southern New Jersey as they forge lasting and meaningful friendships which will last a lifetime. These friendships grow into a Brotherhood where confidence and self esteem will increase, leadership skills and conflict resolution tactics will be advanced, and autonomy achieved. In a world increasingly devoid of real friendships, St. Augustine Prep is holding true to Jesus’ invitation and welcoming the young men of South Jersey with open arms.